About a month ago, I started writing this piece as a letter to someone who was crossing that symbolic threshold, but in reverse: from married life back to singledom. It wasn't meant to be advice so much as a set of goals or notes that could motivate and help them grow in their new identity. Some of these goals I set for myself through the encouragement of loved ones. Others just kind of...happened.
But I never sent this letter because I realized it might have seemed overwhelming to be bombarded with what feels like unsolicited advice when you're crossing that threshold and you just want the time and space to adjust to your new reality. So I edited the letter to be a list of goals I would have given to my pre-divorced self. This list helps me to look back and see what has helped me through my own transition from one chapter of my life to the next.
1. Find a therapist. It helps to have someone who can listen to you with an unbiased ear and offer their input through years of working with clients because they have seen it all and know all the statistics. If a therapist isn't in the budget, then see if your job offers an EAP (Employment Assistance Program) where you can get sessions on a sliding scale or even free. And if even that isn't going to happen, then find a confidant. You just need someone who can be an ear when you feel like you're going to be eating off-brand mac and cheese for the rest of your life because car repairs and that toe mole biopsy are causing you major financial woes.
2. Find a divorce song. OK, so this is one that just happened without warning. Think of the handful of songs that have some sort of meaning to you because of some milestone in your life. High school graduation. Your first kiss. Driving to your first day on your first job. But we have songs we associate with the more difficult times, like after losing a loved one or after a friend moves away. Why not have a divorce song? A kind of farewell to what you had before, but also a welcome to the changes and everything that’s to come. Mine is “Landslide”, but the Chrissy Metz version. I was listening to it over and over again because Metz is damn talented. And then I clung to it because it illustrates coming away from your partnership in such a meaningful way.
3. Do lots of things by yourself you don’t normally do alone. Take yourself to dinner. Go to some new town for a couple of days. Hike a trail. Read a book with a tall cup of joe in a coffee shop. Sit by some random body of water and contemplate the hell out of one important thing...or maybe all the things. You learn who you really are in these periods of alone time. But also remember that you don't have a companion to blame when you crop dust the toy aisles at Walmart, so maybe hold off on the burrito lunch before Christmas shopping for your kids.
4. Build your support system. Who fetches your kids or walks your dog when you have to work late? Who is your new emergency contact? Who do you call when you just need to vent about the really insignificant things? It's likely you have a different person or group of people for different aspects of your life's needs, so lean on them when life kicks you in the balls. But also make some really awesome memories with these folks in your support group when you’re feeling like the king/queen* of the world. (*Speaking of queens, I fully recommend going to a drag show to celebrate your new single life. Trust me on this.)
5. Learn how to fix something you’ve never fixed on your own before. It will make you feel like a total badass. (And yes, it’s OK to look up “How To” videos on YouTube for help.)
6. Practice self care. Whatever that looks like for you, just do it. You are no good to anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself. It's really annoying to me when people say they don't have time for self care. Just find something you can do for yourself, dammit. No one said that you have to get a seaweed wrap at the luxury spa to take care of yourself. Maybe you just need to go braless on weekends.
7. Show gratitude toward your ex. I realize that this is not going to apply to every broken-up relationship. I mean, I have gratitude for the existence of jelly beans, but not the licorice ones. But for those divorced pairs that are functional and seem to do a little better than co-exist in this world, we have to realize there are things that our exes do for us or our child(ren) that we likely do not see. Things that are not easy to notice, but are done for our benefit. And it goes both ways. Big stuff. Little stuff. Just say “thanks” often. (Also, do it because it’s hard to hold anything against a person who is openly grateful.)
8. Keep a journal. There are no rules about how often or how much you have to write. Bullet points of daily events. Short stories of personal interest. Humorous quotes about grammar or being drunk. Just document the stuff in your life so you can look back on it one day and see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve evolved.
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