With the kind of schedule I'm keeping these days, it just made more sense to roll these two months into one post. And since the end of October means HALLOWEEN (and we all know how committed I am to DIY costumes and spending hours carving masterpieces into pumpkins whose guts become a roasted delicacy that take more time to prepare than eat), I'm starting this post roughly a week early. You'll be reading this, though, when I'm suffering from a Swedish Fish-induced hangover.
What? My daughter has metal in her mouth now, and I'm just saving her from all the candy she isn't allowed to have!
Thank goodness I checked more than one thing off my list these last couple of months. Because that would be shitty of me, and you guys would be judging me hardcore for not sticking to my plan.
*insert awkward laughing emoji here*
10. get ordained
Hell yeah! (I'm still allowed to say that, right?) I'm now a card-carrying member of the clergy. You can totally ask to see said card. It's very official.
I don't plan on toting a bottle of holy water everywhere I go to bless puppies or heal scraped knees. Unless my hiker's flask of whiskey counts? That only goes on the trail with me, though.
But I am totally for hire if you decide to get hitched! Count me out if I'm required to wear a clerical collar through your vows because I'm very uncomfortable with clothing that touches the front of my neck. I would not be averse, though, to a wedding ceremony where Halloween costumes are required. Or just wearing costumes for the sake of wearing costumes. I own like 6 wigs. I'm down for all the zany wedding ideas.
And guys, love is love. I'd be honored to officiate your rainbow nuptials!
14. wear lipstick in public
Look. I only own one tube of lipstick, and it's only for costuming purposes. It came in handy when I dressed as Rosie the Riveter for a history lesson I gave a few years ago. Even then, the shade of this lipstick is bright red (yuck), and my child has stolen it from me because it's one more treasure she can keep in her Caboodle.
Of course my kid is cool enough to have a Caboodle. It's purple, and I'm 99% certain she also hides her birthday money in there because her rainbow wallet houses seashells and the little papers from inside fortune cookies instead of cash.
This is childhood. Try to keep up.
Wearing lipstick makes me very aware of my mouth, so I absolutely hate doing it. This is likely due to the fact that I had to wear it on stage when I danced in recitals or performed with the orchestra. And all I wanted was for the audience to appreciate my talent, not the craptastic artwork I anxiously smeared across my face. Not only that, but I was so uncomfortable wearing lipstick that I tended to touch my face more. So much so that I would end up with it in other places. On my chin. On my recital costume. In my hair.
And don't even get me started about kissing someone while wearing lipstick. Disgusting.
In crossing this item off the list, I didn't even announce it was about to happen. I was lucky enough to get a sample palette of lipstain colors as a freebie alongside my refill of foundation this summer. So I waited for a special event for wearing one of the 8 shades in this palette where I could dab it on with my pinky finger and pretend like this was how I normally enter a Saturday night. The event I chose was my bestie's husband's birthday because I was already committed to wearing a dress and I was totally third-wheeling it. I had to give the general public the impression that I wasn't their lonely spinster buddy along for an excuse to drink, but rather a super sexy friend who has a life and the know-how when it comes to wearing real makeup. I wasn't even mad when the color didn't last through the plate of Peking duck we split.
I mean, you can tell me I nailed it. But it won't change how I feel about lipstick.
18. have my palm read or go to a tarot reading
We have this really nifty store in Athens called The Indie South. I buy thrifted books and vintage vinyl there. The owner also does tarot readings in the room in the way back. If I can trust her with a supply of good reads and good tunes, then I'm all in for her intuition on me.
Here are the cards. They were very shiny:
She was loving all the royalty and sword cards that showed up in this arrangement. Made me feel like a badass bitch and ready to buy a claymore. Or maybe just a really snazzy pocket knife. For those of you who know anything about tarot (which by default is way more than me), please feel free to share what you see on this table. Because according to the cards and the conversation, I'm a guarded, independent woman whose emotions run deep and has a need for intellectual fulfillment.
While I'm going to throw it out there that I'm not into the "woo-woo" part of the tarot, I will entertain the idea that this reading beat some crazy low odds of nailing who I am in the first 6 random cards pulled from a deck of 78. It was a very entertaining 30 minutes of my life.
32. make a time capsule with my daughter
Find a random, small box in the house. Fill it with random stuff that makes you laugh and a Polaroid pic. Seal it with gummy bear duct tape. Swear you won't open it for a decade.
40. GO TO DISNEY!
This happened because...stimulus money. And all the rest of my stimulus money helped pay off my school debt because I don't see federal loans ever being fully cancelled. (Can we just cancel the interest rate, at least?).
Anyway, I figured we should have a little fun with some of that money. Except it turned into BIG fun because this trip to Disney/Universal was to celebrate my daughter's 10th run around the sun. And then it happened to be the year Disney turned 50? AND we went as a divorced family?!? Yup! My ex, his fiancé, my bestie of 31 years, and her hubby all had a hand in making this trip a reality. One big, happy group of folks who love this little girl so much and made this fall vacay one for the books.
Also, she went from resistant to go on ANY roller coaster to being the kid who kept her hands in the air for the whole ride on the big coasters. This momma is damn proud.
Bonus items:
47. watching my daughter turn 10
What is it about your child hitting double digits--a full DECADE--that just makes you want to pull out all the baby pictures and weep for the days they barfed on you? I was not OK for a solid 3 days surrounding this milestone. I mean, she was once so tiny and helpless. And now, she's wearing deodorant and borrowing my earrings.
48. I started dating...again
Dating is incredibly difficult, and I go through these cycles of getting on the apps, cussing at my phone when the pickings are crap, and then deleting the apps. Repeat every 4-6 months. But hey, despite the fact that putting yourself back out there is so hard, it is also a great way to see how firm you'll hold to your boundaries and practice your communication style. Some folks will test your boundaries straight out of the gate, like the guy whose first message was, "So I have a question about sex...". Ummm, I believe you have the wrong app, Sir.
I'm in a very different place now than I was when I got divorced. Lessons have been learned, and I don't have time to waste on men who can't seem to decide if they're into me or not. I'm hoping to find my kitchen-dancing companion. My nerdy partner in crime. My lobster.
Stats:
18 items down
22 items to go
And 8 bonus items!
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